This year is so different because I am more aware than ever of how blessed I am. But it came at a price. The price was way too high. I never agreed to pay it, but I paid it all the same.
A year ago today I woke up sobbing, and throughout the year there have been so many tears. Life has been bittersweet, when it decided to be sweet. Some of the year was just bitter.
Yesterday we had a prayer service for healing. It was the anniversary of Victoria's death. In some ways it was harder yesterday than a year ago because reality has had a year to dig deep holes in our hearts. Shock has turned into despair and bitterness and a very painful feeling of being lost.
While new people we are thankful for have entered our lives I find myself afraid to love them deeply. Afraid to become hopeful for the future. Afraid of loss. Bitter. Angry. Sad. Out of energy, out of my mind, out of nearly everything. Except I know there is this glimmer of hope. It is always out there, off in the distance. The idea of falling for it is a bit much for now.
Thank God I have:
A husband more wonderful than I could ever deserve.
Children who, despite my multitude of parental failings have the hearts, minds, and bodies to do anything they want in life.
A lovely mother who sets a wonderful example to all of us just around the corner.
Two loving grandparents who are staying around for all of us.
An extended family full of golden, wonderful people.
Children by proxy. (Friends of my children) Such a wonderful addition to my life.
My little dog. I never thought I would be one of those people who would include a dog in a list like this. I am!
Friends. I am in awe at the amazing people who I get to call friend.
I am absolutely ready to claim this new year!
I am a bit late in my blog reading, but let me just say Amen. Here is to hoping you and I both have a much better 2011
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